Proper pumped for this new band. Meeting up next week. Bricking it because I been out for so long but think a got a nice riff coming along. I’ll run it past my uncle and dad first
naw man i never got into writing my own shit and now am sat here at 1.33am trying to write a catchy pop punk riff and im fucking stuck
okay so i need a rant and im never on tumblr so its pretty safe that i can just rant and nobody will see it. its like writing a letter and not posting it. apart from i can type a lot faster. ok so since coming off intensive chemo i got told life would start to return to normal. well you know what. it aint. at fysot all i heard from people was how hard normal life is after cancer and that it took them years and years to return to the usual things they did. i mean i took this on board but i didnt really understand. how the hell can you not just get up and spend a few weeks or months at full pace and you just adjust like you always have done. the thing is though you build this energy up from being a small child. that was probably over 10 years of stamina building. youve now lost it all. ive jumped into the deep end/the fast lane whatever you want to call it and i dont have any arm bands and i forgot how to drive. i returned to work. i was told i had months and months to return to work. 1 day at a time. im already back on my full hours and i think its been less than 2 months. ive started going to the gym. having regular nights out. starting a band. job interview to be assisstant manager. trying to organise a trip to south africa. you really cant do everything at once and thats whats depressing. i used to do a tuesday and thursday at work. party all friday rolling in at 6am. go to work at 9am and then go out partying saturday night. this was a standard thing. now when i come home i go to sleep and dont get anything else done i need to do. my rooms a complete mess. theres a cup with mould in it. i keep meaning to do it but i just seem so busy. my heads never really been on straight as soon as im alone i end up pondering things, bringing myself down. putting up a front is the most difficult thing in the world. ive always maintained a high sense of style even when ive felt like just crawling around in joggers. i always try to be cheery and nice in the eye of the nurses doctors family. none of them want me to put up this smile they know what im going through they would accept me when i felt low but its important to me to seem okay. even when im dying on the inside. i feel like this being normal thing again is killing me. i blew 3/4 of the money i had on a guitar to try and cheer myself up. it didnt work. now i feel worse. i hate how i look more than ever. my hairs a stupid length and i cant do anything with it. i have disguting scars across my body and stretch marks what make me feel shit from the steroids. i feel like a balloon im so fat i just cant seem to get rid of the steroid belly. i hate steroids. im glad i met other people like me
